Sunday, April 15, 2012

Bad News for Canada. Good News for Asbestos - March 5th, 1970

March 5th, 1970

Dear Diary,

It is bad enough that that the Canadian Government is constantly telling us what to do (I'm still quite upset about the upcoming ban on phosphates).  Today, a new standard of government intrusion has been created.  Today the Nuclear Non Proliferation Treaty went into effect.  Do you realize that as a signatory, Canada can never possess nuclear weapons?  We have allowed a group of nuclear-weapon toting bullies to force us into a position where we can never join their exclusive little club.  Imagine if I was to go around the school forcing people to sign a piece of paper that said they would never be able to join my chess club?  They would laugh in my face and refuse to sign.  It is a dark day for Canada and there is only one person to blame: Pierre Elliot Trudeau.  Now Canada will never rise to its rightful place in this world.  He has sold out our future for his present gain.  I hope that this unrepentant bachelor eventually meets a lovely woman and they undergo a passionate and robust round of dating before marrying and birthing numerous children so that one day those children can face off against a trained fighter who will then beat those same children senseless.  Only then will he understand the future pain that he has inflicted on myself and the unborn generations of Canadians to come.  Canada has been banished to the remedial class of nations today.  I don't know what else to say.

However, it is not all bad.  I have great news about asbestos today.  I still only had one other signature on my asbestos petition (Pedro, the Bolivian exchange student).  So, I spent hours last night faking signatures.  I had several different colours of pens.  I wrote left handed and right handed.  I wrote upside down and sideways.  I got my petition up to a respectable number - Five thousand, one hundred and thirteen signatures.  It was exhausting.

I waited outside the Principal's office for an hour-and-a-half after school.  I could see that he was simply reading the newspaper, but his secretary insisted he was busy.  He finally saw me and I presented my petition.  He leafed through it for a minute or two and then, bless his heart, told me the good news.  The school is rich with asbestos!  Flooring.  Drywall.  Ceiling tiles.  Piping insulation.  Heck, even our desks!  All filled with asbestos.  I feel much safer already.  Next, I will work on father to get more asbestos into our house.  I've heard good things about these lead-based paints as well.


Added May 3, 2012

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